He may start to pay more attention to you by talking to you or coming up and sitting by you. He’ll start doing nice things for you (open a door, etc.) or he’ll just ask you out ‘cause he thinks you’re great! It’s funny, though, because most girls think those are the first signs…but don’t bet on it.

There are several other ways to know if a guy likes you. The first most obvious way (it’s not obvious to girls, but it is to guys) is if he starts ignoring you. That’s right. Think about it. What’s a guy's biggest fear? Being rejected by a girl he thinks is gorgeous. When he’s just a friend, it’s no big deal. But when he knows he’s going to have to take a chance and get CLOSE to you, he freaks out and wants to hide, so he ignores you. It’s not that he wants to ignore you, but going out on a date means he is going to be getting closer to you, and that means things are going to get a little scary for him.

The second way to know if he likes you is he will tell someone else and get them to tell you. He doesn’t want rejection so he can minimize the potential rejection by getting some one else involved. Then, if it doesn’t work out, he can always say, “Hey, I didn’t mean it that way” or “I never asked her out.”

Girls have to always ask the question, “What’s the biggest fear for a guy?” It’s being rejected by a girl he thinks is beautiful. When a guy is just friends with a girl he can still be just “a guy!” and still do “guy stuff.” He has his freedom. But he also knows that when he commits to a girl, over time she is going to find out exactly what he’s really like, both good and bad. The real “HIM” is going to come out and most guys are scared to death to be found out. Girls hide, too, but a lot of guys know that they're in trouble, if she gets too close. That’s why a lot of guys tend to “hit and run.”

What’s the biggest fear for a guy?  Being rejected by a girl.  (Read the answers to question #1 and #2)  If he gets too close to the girl, she will find out he is pretty shallow or stupid and not nearly as cool as he’s trying to make her think he is.  So, if she finds that out, he is pretty sure she will reject him.  So he figures, “Hey man, keep your mouth shut and maybe she won’t find out about me.”  The more he opens his mouth, the bigger the risk.

In a guy’s world, you pride yourself on being self sufficient and not weak.  That’s why a guy won’t stop and ask for directions.  He doesn’t want to look stupid.  He prides himself on being able to handle anything that comes his way.  He wants to be her hero.  So he thinks, “Why should I stop and ask some moron who works at a gas station to tell me where I screwed up.”

Girls, on the other hand, pride themselves in their relationships and communication.  A girl would stop and ask for directions and then get to know the girl she asked by having a long talk.  To guys, that’s a waste of time.  She made a friend and got there sooner than he did.  She comes off looking great, but he comes off looking like a complete idiot with an ego problem.

Again, what’s a guy’s biggest fear?  Being rejected by the girl.  He knows he’s not as good at communicating as she is, and most guys think girls are more moral than they are.  So, he thinks the smarter the girl is, the more she will find out about him.  That scares him to death.  So, if a girl is really smart she will look for ways to let him know that she was soooooo smart…SHE PICKED HIM!!!

By the way, someone asked a bunch of college guys once; “If you were going to ask a girl out, how smart would she have to be.”  The guys almost all answered, “Oh, just average.”  Then when the guys were asked, “If you were going to try to get the girl into bed…how smart would she have to be?”  They all answered, “Oh, BELOW AVERAGE!!!  So what does that tell you?

I always answer that question by asking, “Why do girls wear makeup?” And, of course, the answer is, ‘cause girls want to look better than they really are. (Would a guy want to take a girl out on a first date, if he could see what she looks like when she first wakes up in the morning…the same way her parents do? Probably not.)

So, why do guys come across like they have big ego problems? ‘Cause they are trying to look better than they really are so the girls will want to go out with them and not reject them, just like girls want to look better than they really are by wearing a lot of makeup and sexy clothes and not get rejected by the guys. (Read question #2.)

When a guy is with his friends, he doesn’t hold back…on anything. He tells stupid jokes, farts, and belches, and the other guys do the same. When a girl walks up, he knows if he keeps doing that stuff, she is going to think he’s an idiot. But if he stops doing that stuff, his buddies all think he is whipped. So……who does he please? The problem is the girl starts thinking, why is this guy acting so weird? Why doesn’t he just act like himself? I’ll tell you why, ‘cause if he does, she will be so turned off she’ll never talk to him again, and he knows it. But if he starts acting like a gentleman, his buddies will turn on him and raze him to death. So, instead of trying to please everyone else, he tries to come off like he doesn’t need any body, like he doesn’t care…but he does. He needs his friends, but he also needs her, partly because she will help him grow up.

So girls, give him time with his friends. He needs to let down and be a little goofy. Help him learn to not be gross when he’s with you, though, ‘cause it’s what you may have to live with for the rest of your life if you do.

Well, it's pretty simple, I think.  Remember, what's a guys biggest fear?  Being rejected by a girl.  When he wasn't your boyfriend, he couldn’t get rejected by you.  But now that you are closer, it's more scary for him 'cause you might find out he's not exactly what you think he is, so he keeps his mouth shut.  He may also be afraid he might hurt you, and he doesn't want to do that either.  But all that registers as rejection for him...so...he’s thinkin’, shut up and hope she never gets too close.  Problem is...he likes you and wants to be close...but he doesn't want to be close at the same time.  See?????

What to do?  When you are with him, try asking him questions about what he knows best - himself.  What does he like to do for fun, where does he like to eat blah, blah, blah.  Just get him talking.  That way, he will find out that even if he comes across dumb in front of you, you still laugh and want to be with him.  (Read question #5)  When he feels safe, he will open up and begin to give back what you need.  But not until he feels safe.  By the way, that means that, if and when, he does open up to you, you can't tell anyone else what he says.  If you do, he will find out you can't be trusted and will clam up forever.

The other reason he doesn’t like to talk on the phone is…well…mainly because he isn’t that good at it.  A woman’s brain is wired for talk.  His is not.  He would rather DO something than TALK about doing something.  Girls use about 24,000 words a day, he uses about 12,000 per day.  You are so much better at it than him, so he just starts feeling inadequate.  The more inadequate he feels, the more he feels like he isn’t measuring up to you and he has this suspicion that you are not pleased with him.  And if you aren’t pleased with him, he knows you will want to dump him.  REJECTION!  And what’s a guys biggest fear?  There you go.

Girls, don’t talk a guy to death.  It’s a big mistake.  Sometimes just being quiet on a date is the best thing that can happen, so enjoy it.

Ahhhhhhh yes...long distance relationships.  The problem with long distant relationships is... over 90% of all communication is non-verbal.  Which means, 90% of all the communication possible with a guy can’t happen.  Yeah, he might say “I love you,” but what is his expression saying?  Yeah, he might say he wished he was with you, but his body language is saying something totally different, or he is saying it with peanut butter on his mouth.  All that to say, it’s the little things that wreck relationships (and marriages) - the look in the eyes, the attitudes, the peanut butter, etc.  And those are the things you can’t see in a letter, email, phone call, or texting.  He could even have another girl sitting on his lap while saying how much he misses you.  How would you know?  You couldn’t.  Solid relationships are based on trust.  If you don’t know 90% of the person, the trust isn’t based on much.

I just received an email from a girl who fell madly in love with a guy she met on the internet named Eric.  They communicated for months and had the greatest time, until she found out it wasn’t Eric, it was Erica!  Can you be fooled in a long distance relationship?  Oh yeah!

Another guy just emailed me and told me he was scared of being with this new girl, so he spends all his time texting and emailing her because then he can take his time and say what he wants in such a way that would impress her.  But when he gets together with her in person, he gets all tongue-tied and falls apart.  So he SOUNDS GOOD from afar, but he is not fun to be with because he can’t communicate well.  She could never know that if she doesn’t spend “together” time.

There are four things you need to know about a guy before you can commit to him:

1. Does he have the willingness and ability to be honest? (both lying and being honest about revealing his real self to you)
2. Does he have the willingness and ability to admit wrong, not because he got caught, but just because he was wrong?
3. Does he have the willingness and ability to forgive? Can he forgive and never bring up the offense again, or does he hold a grudge?
4. Does he have the willingness and ability to change? Or, does he say things like, “Hey, can I be honest? I was wrong and I hope you forgive me….but hey, I ain’t gonna change. If you don’t like it…tough.”

Can he be honest, admit wrong, forgive, and change? Now, just to show you how important these four are and to show you what I’m getting at here…pick one of the four I just gave you. It doesn’t matter which one…just pick one. Then, try to envision a deeply satisfying, long lasting marriage without the one you picked. Is it possible? Not a chance. Can you imagine marrying a guy, for instance, who could never admit when he was wrong? It would be terrible!!! (By the way, there are 17 of those character traits not just four. You’ll find them in my book, “Don’t Take Love Lying Down.” Page 140)

To know if those traits are real in a person’s life, you have to spend a great deal of time with them. You have to know how they argue, for instance. Are they honest with what they are saying, and are they honest if they are wrong, and can they admit it? Can they drop it and move on, or do they hold grudges? And if they are wrong, do they change or just ignore you and the situation?
You should also ask yourself questions like, are you attracted to him? Is he fun to be with? Does he have goals in his life, and is he compatible with where your life is headed? It’s a lot to know about another person. The problem is, most people think love is enough…it’s not. Love may actually say, “Ya know, we love each other deeply…but we're just not headed the same direction in our lives,” and because of that, you may have to move on. Love…yes…marriage…no.

It’s no surprise that a woman’s looks catches a guy's eyes first.  But ask any guy, if she has an attitude and thinks she’s God’s gift to the world, will he stick around?  Not on your life.  He’ll look, but he won’t take the plunge.  Most guys are looking for a girl who knows how to let her hair down and really laugh and have a great time.  I think that’s why so many guys like girls who play sports.  They aren’t always thinking about how they look (or smell) and they can get down and be a little rowdy.  At the same time, almost all guys want a girl who knows how to make herself look like a million bucks!  Remember, he wants to marry a WOMAN, not just “One of the guys.”  (Now read the answer to #12)

This goes with question #11.  The biggest turn off to a guy is a girl that constantly thinks about herself - the anorexic, bulimic girl who has to watch every calorie she takes in; the girl that is constantly on a diet and has to have every hair in place.  She is the girl who only thinks about herself and never gives the guy her attention.  He feels left out and unimportant.  He’s the picture frame, she’s the picture.  The key to a guy is, he wants to be admired.  When she focuses on herself, she can’t possibly admire him.  She has no time for that.  So, she may be gorgeous, but if her looks are the only things she thinks about, a guy will eventually run far and fast.

But, if you really want to know what turns most guys off, here is a list from my book:

• Girls who giggle (Guys think you’re laughing at them.)

• Girls who never stop talking

• Girls who need every hair in place

• Girls who constantly wonder how they look

• Girls who are too thin, and look like they’re gonna break

• Girls who can’t play or ever get dirty

• Girls who act dumb

• Girls who cry all the time

• Girls who have lost their mystery

• Girls who never smile

• Girls who always need attention

• Girls who are boy-crazy

• Girls without a mind of their own

• Girls who can’t be spontaneous

• Girls who won’t play sports

• Girls who brag about their grades

• Girls who “screech” when they see their friends

• Girls who are only into “chick flicks”

• Girls who only say “yes” or give in to everything

• Girls who “tell all”

• Girls who only talk about themselves

• Girls who make guys have to “guess” at everything

• Girls who have to spend every minute with their girlfriends

• Girls who can’t take a joke

• Girls who make everything seem like it’s the guy’s fault

• Girls who ask us questions they don’t really want an answer to

• Girls who smoke

• Girls who wear a lot of makeup

• Girls who take things too seriously

Most guys, I’m convinced, want to please girls.  If a guy finds out what his girlfriend wants (or wants to hear), he will give it to her.  Most guys know girls want to hear the words “I love you,” so he gives her what she wants.  Problem is, he may never have stopped and asked himself exactly what those words mean.  So, if she does ask him what he means (and she should), he may not have a clue.  (He’s still trying to make her feel great about himself.)   Some guys only use those words (‘cause he knows it works) to get what he wants…so look out.

So, how do you know if it’s real love and that he really means it?  First off, next time he says he loves you, say something like this:  
“Thank you for saying that.  It makes me feel good.  But can I ask you something…when you say “I Love You”…what do you mean, and why do you love me?”

Then listen very closely to what he says.  I told one girl to say that to her boyfriend…so she did.  You know what he said?  “Well…you’ve got a great body!”  She dumped him right on the spot.  It hurt, but at least she found out before it was too late.

Watch the way he treats you, not just what he says to you.  That will give you the biggest clue.  Does he treat you nicely only when he gets what he wants?  If so, he doesn’t love you.  Ask five of your girlfriends: “I don’t care what you’ve ever heard my boyfriend SAY to me or about me, but by the way he TREATS me, and only by the way he treats me…do you think he loves me?”  You may be shocked at what they say, but you’ll know if it’s love or not.  Also watch the way he treated past girlfriends, the way he treats his mom, sisters, and others girls at school.  Eventually, that’s the way he will treat you.  And don’t be fooled, they can’t all be wrong.

Why do women buy little gifts to take to their best friend’s house?  Because it shows that person that you have been paying attention to her likes, dislikes, desires, etc.  If she knows you are paying that close attention, she knows you really love and care for her.  So, women tend to hint.  If someone picks up on the hint she knows she is loved.

Guys don’t hint about much of anything.  They just tell you what they want, and if someone gets it for him, great.  For instance, at Christmas time, a married guy will make out a list of what he wants, hoping that’s what he gets.  His wife will hint for months hoping he loves her enough to “pick up” on what she really wants.  What do they finally do?  She gets him something he doesn’t really want (it’s not on his list - something maybe she made for him, because that’s showing him she loves him), and he may get her tools or sports stuff (which is what he wants but she doesn’t) and totally misses all the hints she’s given.

Guys work in a world without hints.  You could get fired for not just saying what you think.  They’ve learned to be “in your face” with information and don’t know how to deal with the “hinting” world of women.

The way to let a guy know you are interested is to actually BE interested.  Let him know he’s fun to be with.  You may want to even say it.  “You’re fun to be with.  We should go do something sometime.”  But don’t over do it, and don’t ask him first.  When it comes to guys, you want to hint (but do guys get hints?) and NOT hint (you've got to tell him) at the same time.  Talk to him (but don’t pester), laugh with/at him (especially his jokes - unless they are crude) and ask him about himself.  Be interested.  Have eye contact when you see him in the hall but don’t feel like you have to always say something.  DO NOT STARE, BAT YOUR EYES, OR GIGGLE when you see him.  Just act natural.  Guys do NOT like boy-crazy girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A girl once wrote me asking how to let a guy know she is interested in him.  One particular guy had said something really nice to her one day (she was in a small group study thing with him) and even threw some pins at her for fun (which is a good sign) but he’s never really said anything else and doesn’t seem to be interested in her.  So, how can she get closer to him?  This is what I told her:

What you want to do is let him know you are interested without being too obvious.  I think a way you could do that is, now that he's made that comment about you in your small group, go back to him (alone) and tell him very seriously that you really appreciated his comment and that it made your day (year, month....)...and thank you!  Don't hang around too long after that, just say it and move on.  NOW he knows you are thinking about him and appreciate him.  Most guys would kill just to figure that part out.  Then let’s see if he responds at all.  If he does, then let him know you really enjoy being with him, "All except you throwing those pins at me!!!"  Then slug him!....smile and walk down the hall to class with him.  If he doesn't ask you out............you've got the wrong guy!!!  Next!

Some girls know exactly how to make guys feel great about themselves.  They know how to make him feel special.  I’ve often said, the biggest turn off to a guy is a gorgeous girl who only thinks about herself.  (Question #12)  Yeah, she’ll get his attention but she won’t win his heart…EVER…because all she thinks about is what he is thinking about her.  But the way to a man’s heart is to appreciate HIM.

So what I’m saying is, focus on the guy.  It’s about him at first.  Appreciate him, notice him, pay attention to him and not so much on yourself.  You already are what he wants.  And as the relationship grows, he will begin to think about the two of you, not just himself.  Remember, you don’t want a self-centered guy no matter how cute he is.

If you’ve never seen the movie “Hitch,” go rent it.  In the movie, the woman is sitting in a lounge waiting for her girlfriend to show up, when up comes this slick guy who she is not interested in at all.  He runs this line on her and then she says, “Look Chip, (that’s the guy’s name) I know it took a lot of courage to come over here and start up a conversation, so don’t take this personally, but I’m really not interested.  But really, thank you.”  Perfect!  She didn’t put him down, she was polite and encouraging, but to the point.  He, of course, didn’t get the hint and she had to repeat it, but it was just right.

Another approach is, if a guy keeps coming up to you and asking you out, tell him something like this; “Thank you for the invitation, but there is a guy I am hoping is going to ask me out, and if I said yes to you, I know he (the guy you WANT to ask you out) would never ask me, since I was going out with somebody else.  So thank you for asking but I really can’t.”

If he keeps asking you out, now get in his face a little bit and tell him, “I think you remember the last time you asked me out and that I told you I was not interested.  Remember?  Well, that didn’t mean keep trying again.  The answer is still no.  But thank you.  Please, though, don’t ask again okay?”  If he does, turn him in to the authorities.  He’s harassing you.

Some girls think it’s better to let a guy down easy, a little bit at a time, thinking that’s going to somehow make him feel better about getting turned down.  But that’s sorta like cutting the monkey’s tail off an inch at a time thinking it’s for his good.  Well, it’s not.  It only prolongs the agony.  But always be kind.  Appreciate the fact that it’s very hard for guys to ask a girl out.  Besides, you don’t want to get the reputation of being the “girl with the attitude” or the “girl who’s too good for such a lowly guy like me.”  That will come back to bite you later.

Well, you asked the biggest question girls have:  “Why won’t guys ask me out?’  Just so you won’t feel alone, last night I was speaking to a bunch of 9th grade girls (45 of them) and I asked them the question: “How many of you are currently dating a guy and have been for at least one and a half months?”  (That’s how long the average relationship in high school lasts)  Out of 45 girls, four were dating.  Last year, at the same school, 3 out of 60 were dating, and that’s common.  See, the deal is, most girls think everyone is dating but them.  They think they are the only one left behind, but it’s not true.  And yeah, a lot of girls will go out with a lot of different guys, but they are also the very same girls who are madly in love one day and ready to blow their brains out the next.  Up, down.  Up, down.  Look around your school and see if it’s not true.  So, I guess what I’m trying to say here is, at your age, that’s just the way it is.  Most of the guys your age aren’t ready to date.  It may not be you at all.  I know it’s nice to know someone is at least interested in you ‘cause it makes you feel special.  But again, most of the other girls are not dating either.

It may also be that you are doing something wrong.  It may be one of the following:
    1.    It may be that you have a bad reputation
    2.    It may be that you have an attitude and no guy wants to deal with it
    3.    It may be that you are always with other girls and he would never feel comfortable coming up and asking you out
    4.    It may be because you seem boy crazy
    5.    It may be because you are dressing too sleazy and he doesn’t want to be known as the guy who is dating “HER!”
    6.    He may be scared of you because you are smarter than he is and you flaunt it
    7.    You may be dressing like a guy and not as a girl
    8.    You may have bad breath or… 
It could be a lot of things.  So, if you are serious about finding out if it is one of those things (or something else), then you are going to have to ask someone who you can really trust, someone who knows you, an adult, who will give you advice about who and how you come across and what to do about it.  Your girlfriends are not the ones to ask.  They are probably making the same mistakes you are, which may be why they aren’t going out either.

Let me answer that by asking you a question.  If you had a boyfriend and some other girl was trying to steal him away from you, what would you want to do to that girl?  Yeah!!!  You’d want to break her legs right?  So, follow the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  You wouldn’t want a girl to do that to you, so don’t you do it to them either.

But…I do think you have a right to let a guy know that you are interested in him but you can only do that ONCE…then you have to drop it and never bring it up again until he’s single.  You could say something like this:

I know you are seeing Jessica (?) and she’s very nice, but I just want you to know you are a very special person to me and wish I could spend more time with you, but I would never want to hurt her.  I just wanted you to know that.

Then leave it.  You can never say that again to him.  If he doesn’t come to you about it then you can’t go to him about it either.  If he never responds to what you said…so be it.

This is a tricky question because you are probably afraid that if you let him know you like him for more than just a friend that you may lose even what you DO have if you say anything.  So what do you do?  There are a couple of things:

1. You can tell him how you are feeling but also tell him your dilemma.  “I really like being with you and want to spend more time with you but I don’t want to lose your friendship if it doesn’t seem to click.  So…I don’t know what to do.”  (What you are doing is laying your cards out on the table to see what he thinks and what he will do.) Then let him respond.  If he freaks out, grab him by the shirt, pull him to you and say, “SEEEEEE…that’s exactly what I DIDN’T want.”  Then slug him, smile, and then walk away.  (It will make him feel less uncomfortable.)  Let your sense of humor come through.  Then next time you see him at school or whatever, don’t back away from him.  Treat him like nothing was ever said.
2. You can go up to the guy and say with a serious look on your face, “What are you doing this Friday after school?  You want to get married?”  Watch his expression.  If he starts joking around about it in a fun way, make it a date.  I used to do that with girls in high school and it was fun, and I’d get time with the girl that way.  If it didn’t work out or wasn’t fun, okay fine…move on.
3. But…whatever happens, you are going to eventually have to communicate with him what you are feeling.  That doesn’t mean you tell him you love him and want to marry him, that you cry yourself to sleep at night thinking about him.  No, you are just telling him that you want to spend more time with him because you really enjoy being with him.  Don’t push or pressure him.  Go slow.  Remember, guys value freedom.  Girls tend to value security.  To be secure with a guy, most girls want to get to the commitment stage as soon as possible, which goes against his wanting to be free.  The harder and faster the girl pushes him, the faster most guys want to run.  Playing a little hard to get here won’t hurt him or you.  Take your time.  And don’t use tears to get him.  That’s blackmail!

What first comes to mind is, why do you want a boyfriend?  Is it because you think everyone else has one?  (Which they don’t.  See question #17)  Because you are lonely?  Desperate?  Because you want to say you have one and Jenny doesn’t?  Why?  And you need to really think about that.  A guy wants to know it’s HIM that you want, not just that he’s filling a “spot” no one else was willing to fill.  By the way, desperate girls are not very attractive to guys so quit acting like you are.  Take your time.  Now read question #21.

To answer that question, you have to ask yourself, “What KIND of a guy do I want?”  If you want a Movie Star, go to Hollywood.  If you want a guy that’s smart and knows where he’s going, you’ll find him in college or out working at a job, not in a bar getting drunk or high or playing Nintendo in the basement.  If you want a guy who treats a girl right, then watch for guys at school that are treating their girlfriends right because chances are, some day in the future he will be single again.  See what I mean?  Start looking now.

But where to start?  Okay, make a list of the “Musts” that you can’t live without.  Draw a line and don’t go below that line.  What’s the least common denominator in all the guys you will date?  It might help to read “Absolutely Essential Ingredients for Any Successful Relationship” from my book, “Don’t Take Love Lying Down.”  (Page 140-144) It’s a list of things you want in a guy.  Then, after you have thought about what kind of guy you want, now you have to figure where that kind of guy hangs out.  If you want an outdoors kind of guy, go hiking or play a summer sport.  If you want a guy who knows what he wants to do with his life, go to college.  If you want a guy who isn’t an atheist, go to your local church.  The thing is, you will have to actually go to those places.  You can’t just wish a guy into your life and sit on your butt at the same time.  You have to go find him.  The biggest mistake most girls make is they sit at home waiting to “be discovered.”  It doesn’t work that way.  There is an old baseball adage that says, “You can’t steal second with your foot still on first.”

One last thing.  I read a story about a girl who wanted to meet a guy and finally decided to send an email to all her friends saying that she would give a 20 speed bike to the person who found her the most dates in one year and two round trip tickets to Hawaii if she wound up marrying the guy.  It worked.  Friends and relatives are your best source for finding the right kind of guy so use it.  Don’t be afraid to ask older married women where to look for guys.  They’ve been through this process, so go to the people who know.

First, let me talk about the term “breaking up.”  Make yourself a promise to never use the words “breaking up” or “dumping” ever again.  It’s demeaning to the other person and to you.  Use the words “ending a relationship.”  Okay?

So when DO you need to end it?  Sometimes it’s hard to know because sometimes the people involved just need to start communicating better.  Sometimes they need to work harder at being more loving and kind than they are right now.  Or, they may just need to give each other a little breathing room and take a vacation from each other for a short time.  If that’s the case, they need to stay together and work on their relationship.  But you will know that the relationship needs to end if you realize the other person isn’t interested in working at the relationship.  The deal is, relationships don’t just happen.  They’re hard work sometimes.  So the question you need to ask yourself is, "Does the person you are in a relationship with have the desire and commitment to work hard on that relationship and prove it by making it a priority?"  If they have so many other activities in their life, and your relationship comes in last place, the relationship can’t work.  At that point, you want to talk to them about what needs to happen in order for the relationship to improve (willingness, time) and if they don’t have either…move on.  (Also read question #10)

One reason a guy tends not to want to tell you why he’s mad is, he doesn’t want to hurt you.  Guys don’t have as many deep relationships with other people, so he tends to put all his “relationship eggs” in one basket…YOU!  So if he hurts you, he may have just destroyed the only true relationship he has.  Think about your dad.  How many really close friends does he have?  He may have a guy or two he goes out and plays golf with or something, but is he really CLOSE to them?  Most guys aren’t.  (Also read question # 4)

Guys also pride themselves on being self sufficient.  That’s why guys don’t want to stop and ask for directions.  He acts like he doesn’t need anybody.  If he is mad, to tell you WHY he is mad makes it seem like he’s asking for your help.  Now that may seem crazy to girls, but it’s the way most (not all) guys think.

On the other hand, some guys don’t really know why they are mad.  They really don’t.  Girls find out what they are mad about when they talk about it with another girl, and as she is talking she may come to understand all that’s wrong.  A guy won’t talk to another guy about that sort of thing because for one thing, he isn’t very good at it. He isn’t as verbal as most girls are, and he would be admitting to another guy that he needs help or that he may be wrong.  Strike three!

Because when a girl has a problem, it’s an honor for her to confide in one of her friends.  It says, “I choose you to be my best friend.  I will tell only you because you are important to me.”  So the girl feels honored to hear what’s really bothering her.

So, when a girl gets a boyfriend and something goes wrong in her life, she automatically goes to him and “honors him” by telling him everything that’s wrong.  He is sitting there thinking, “It’s not my fault.  I didn’t do anything wrong!”  Why is he thinking that?  Because he would never go to another guy and say, “Gee, I’m having such a terrible day…blah, blah, blah”  ‘cause if he did, the other guy would tell him, “Shut up and get your butt out of here!”

So, when you do talk to him about what you are going through, make sure you start off by saying that none of this is his fault (if it’s not) and let him know you are not asking him to fix anything.  You just want him to listen and love you through it.  That way he can relax and be quiet and not feel on the spot.

Remember, most guys don’t get hints, but you still need to keep hinting.  So go ahead and hint, but also, when you see some other guy doing something creative for his girlfriend or see someone in the movies do it, let him know you would  appreciate having him do things like that for you.  And if you see another guy at school doing something creative for a girl, let that guy know you think that’s very cool.  If one guy is creative and girls all let him know he is appreciated for it, other guys will catch on.  But if your boyfriend never picks up on what you are saying (after you’ve told him how you would appreciate it), you’ve got the wrong guy.  Move on.

Let me make a suggestion here.  Don’t ask guys out…at least not at first.  Guys need to have the fortitude (guts) to ask a girl out on the first date.  They need to learn to be self starters, a trait he will need the rest of his life.  But usually what happens is, when guys don’t ask the girls out first, the girls start freaking out and go ask the guys out, which means his laziness worked.  “If I just sit here long enough, the girls will come to me instead.”

Now I’m not saying that girls should just sit around and field offers when they come in.  No.  Let guys know you are interested in them by…BEING INTERESTED IN THEM!!!!  Gee, what a concept!  You want a date?  Then talk to the guys, laugh with them, sit with them and for gosh sakes, learn to play with them; sports, paint balling…whatever.  Don’t be afraid to challenge a guy to something either, just don’t gloat if you win.  Then challenge him to something you know he will win at.  Then go have a Coke together and there you are…you’re on a date.

Girls tend to want something that means something, like a stuffed animal with one of those heart things stuck inside with a message in it.  Or maybe something she hinted at during their anniversary and he just happened to remember….!!!!!  Guys don’t think that way for the most part.  Guys just want STUFF!!!  It doesn’t have to have a lot of meaning to it, you don’t have to make it and it doesn’t have to be all that personal.  Just stuff: baseball hats, sweat shirts (maybe one with your perfume on it), no boxers (too personal).  If you’re smart, give him something you can get a date out of; concert or movie tickets etc.  Tools, something for his car, a picture of you, a magazine subscription of his favorite magazine, music tape or DVD.

First, ask yourself why your parents don’t want you going out.  Is it because they hate you?  No.  Is it that they don’t want you to have fun?  Of course not.  Is it to make you look stupid in front of your friends?  No.  Is it that you can’t be trusted?  Maybe.  If so…why?  Did you do something you shouldn’t have and now you are paying the price for it?  If so, don’t blame them for that.  But…don’t just say, “I don’t know why they won’t let me date.”  No…really think about it.  Did something happen to your older sister or brother that makes them scared it will happen to you?

See, parents aren’t as stupid as you think they are.  They’ve been around a long time and they’ve seen what can happen to kids who date too soon, and they just don’t want it to happen to you.  In fact, they might have made some mistakes themselves and would never want you to have to deal with the consequences like they did.

But all is not lost.  I believe a parent’s job is to help prepare their kids for the future by training them, by giving insight and information to help them make the best decisions they can.  So, if your parents are saying they don’t want you to date yet, okay, but that means they have reasons for that decision and you have the right to begin to understand those reasons and get prepared, ‘cause hey, you don’t want to get in trouble either.  By the way, the more emotional you are when talking to them about this, the less chance you will have of getting your way so be very cool.  Why?  Because if you get all mad and storm out of the room it would prove they were right…you aren’t ready.  You’re acting immature.

Start by asking them what conditions they would have for eventually allowing you to date and try to get them to set some kind of agenda for learning what you need to know and a time table to go with it.  Then you would have a goal and something to work for and so do they.  I personally don’t think it’s right for them to just say, “I don’t know………just not yet!”  That’s what they WANT to say, but you want to find out the REASON for “Not yet!” and go from there.  Also, give them time to think it through on their own and get back to you about it.

This is a hard one to answer in a short sentence or two, but the main thing I'd say is...  If you were a Christian, for instance, that would mean your life (by definition) is committed to serving Jesus Christ.  It is the center of all you do and say, and that life is going a certain direction and not another.

Now let's say you want to date and marry an atheist, someone who believes there is no God.  His philosophy is quite different.  He believes that he is in control of his life and destiny and that he can live to please himself.  The center of his life is what he decides it is, and it could change from time to time, but it does not include any thing to do with Jesus Christ.  So, could a Christian and an atheist live and work happily together and still be true to what they each believe?  No.  That does not make either one of them bad.  It just says they can't live together and be honest to their beliefs.  Could two atheists be happily married?  Sure.  How about two Buddhists?  Yes.

Some people think we should all be more tolerant of each other in this area and just forget about our differences.  Tolerant, to them, means giving up what you believe is right in order to "get along" with those who don't believe what you believe.  But that very statement is what an atheist believes, not what a Christian believes.  It's absolutely true that we need to be considerate of other people and their beliefs, but the real question is, what is true, and how can you live your life accordingly.  It is not about giving up what you believe so that you can have a boyfriend.

Good question. Why are we? Because we were created that way. (By the way, when you ask that question it's also telling me a little about you girls too; that girls AREN'T as horny. Right? Yeah.) Here's why. I believe God, in order to make certain that the human race would continue on, made sex one of most powerful desires known to mankind. If He didn't, it would all be over in one generation. But here's the problem. If a guy created a baby every time he had sex, and he had to take care of each and every baby and it's mother for the next 20 years of his life and... THERE WAS NO PLEASURE IN THE ACT... how many guys would have sex? None! You think God didn't know that? Of course he did. So, he had to make the desire for sex so pleasurable that most guys would do just about anything to have sex, baby or no baby. That way the generations would go on and on. But the problem is, what if he made both men and women with the same desire? What if all men and women had the same intensity sexually as men? What would happen to our society? We'd never get anything done. We'd have so many babies it would overrun the earth's capacity. It would be terrible.

But on the other hand, what if both men and women had the same sexual intensity as most women? What would happen to our society then? We'd die out in one generation.

So God made us different. A man has such a strong desire for his wife that it brings him home after work every night to the place he can rightfully fulfill his sexual desires. The women can give to her man only if she is secure in his love and commitment. If he is selfish, uncommitted, and unfaithful, she will not give him what he so desperately wants, and he knows it. So, he is forced to grow up. He has to learn to focus on her as a whole person, not just on her body and looks. In that process, he learns to love and be loved. He learns how to win her heart. He learns self-discipline and responsibility, he maintains a job, and becomes productive.

The girls who give sex to their boyfriends outside of marriage are undermining the maturing process guys need so badly. If she will wait for marriage to fulfill his sexual desire, he will have to learn to understand her, listen to her, communicate with her, and not take her for granted. He has to discover that it's not his "right" to act on his impulses, and that sex is not the ultimate value. Instead of spending his whole life standing back and admiring his many options from afar (Look at all those girls, man!?), he begins to grow up and become close with one person. Learning to be focused on a relationship brings purpose to the rest of his life, including his career and his children.

If a guy can discipline his body (by waiting) then he can control every other aspect of his life. And what girl in her right mind would want to marry a guy who can't control himself? (Excerpts from Don't Take Love Lying Down Page 346)

Because they don’t have them!  They’re soft, round and, as one girl said, “squishy,” and, given the fact that boys are told that breasts are off limits, that makes them even more…interesting.

But the real reason I think a guy likes boobs (breasts) is because it goes way back to when he was first born.  Think about it.  When he was just a little tiny baby, where did he go to get fed?  Where did he go to fall asleep?  When he wanted to be held or was scared, where did he go?  Yup, mom’s breasts.  That goes very deep in his psyche.  He doesn’t know why he likes them…he just knows he does.

What most girls don’t understand is, it doesn’t matter how big or small their beasts are, he just wants to get his hands on them.  The more he sees them, the more he wants them.  And if you were to ask most guys why they want them…they couldn’t really tell you.  But once he starts seeing them and feeling them it puts his sexual appetite into overdrive and he will not want to stop at just looking and touching.

Just a note: It would help if girls learned to dress in such a way that the first thing a guy looks at is her face, not her breasts.  If he looks there first, you’re probably not dressing right.  Yes, he will eventually look (after all, that is a part of who and what you are), but first he needs to look you in the eyes.

The short answer…they aren’t!

Cosmopolitan ran an article that actually got it right about guys (but it’s probably the only thing they got right). In this one article called “What Men Really Go For,” they wanted to find out once and for all, “Do men prize looks over personality?” Here’s what they found.

“Men will always slobber over a gorgeous babe . . .” but is that what really wins in the long run? So, to put the issue to the test, Cosmo sent an attractive woman out on the road two different times. The first time, she was dressed in khakis, a button-down shirt, light makeup, and a carefree hairdo. She didn’t show her attractiveness and actually looked a little “unkempt.” She purposely acted flirty and quite friendly. But the second night, she dressed up with beautiful hair, flawless makeup, a “flattering outfit” that made her look stunning . . . but she acted like a total “bitch.” The night she played the flirty, friendly girl she received four hellos, two offers to buy her a drink, a compliment on her smile, a wink, a cigarette from a professional hockey player, and an invite to sit with a Frenchman. But on the “bitchy-but-beautiful” night she sat at a bar totally alone and didn’t “get hit on” once all night. One guy actually came up to her and said something like, “Man, it can’t be that bad, can it?” When she ignored him he just walked away saying, “Jeez, who stole your Prozac?” She said, “That was the only conversation I had all night.”¹⁰

Beautiful, yes. Attractive to guys? . . . Absolutely! But nobody wanted her badly enough to take the challenge.

There will always be better-looking women than you. So what?!! Why get all bent out of shape and jealous? Most girls have been in the situation where the guy they are with sees a gorgeous girl enter the room and falls all over himself, staring. But if the first girl is smart, remains confident, and can admit openly, “Boy she’s a looker, isn’t she?”. . . THAT girl has won her man forever. When a guy is out with you and looks at a beautiful woman, it’s not that he wants her more than he wants you, or that he wants to dump you to get her. Not at all, but he isn’t blind either! If he continues to stare at her (which would be very rude), you may need to subtly help him take his attention off her and direct it to something else. It works the other way around, too. A girl may see a good-looking guy (she’s not blind either) and momentarily admire him from afar, but still want her own man. Comedian Tim Allen put it this way:

"Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all end up with a station wagon: the best of both worlds. . . . What’s interesting is that we often find the right kind of woman immediately and then, because of a taste for the Ferrari and the pickup truck, avoid the station wagon for as long as we can hold out.¹¹

All guys have different opinions about looks. One guy thinks a girl is gorgeous and the other guy thinks she’s just average. You girls do the same thing over guys, and you know you do. The point is, not everyone will be physically attracted to you, or you to them, so don’t worry about it. It’s a waste of time.

It seems like every girl’s dream is to someday be a stunningly beautiful woman with a great figure; the envy of all the rest of womankind. But have you ever really thought what it would be like to be that beautiful?

"Many beautiful women never get a chance to test themselves beyond their looks, and they live in fear of losing their looks . . . Plus, being beautiful can be lonely. Beautiful women find it difficult to have female friends due to the jealousy factor. And a lot of men don’t approach them because they’re afraid of rejection. They feel safer approaching more average-looking women." (“She’s so Pretty It Makes Me Sick!” Sassy magazine)

A long time ago a bunch of guys were asked, “What do guys want in a girl when it comes to looks?” I’ll always remember their response ’cause it shocked me when I heard it, but I also agreed with them. They all said basically the same thing: “She doesn’t have to be all that gorgeous, but we want her to do the best with what she has.” It’s true! Yeah, guys will always be blown away by the “babes,” but again, so what? Why give in to all the pressure to have to be gorgeous? Being a beautiful girl isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. That same Sassy article described a girl who, since the age of 16, has been battling bulimia. She said, “I feel a constant pressure to be thin, to always look perfect. It’s like I have this impossibly high standard I have to maintain at all times.” Who wants to live like that all her life?

One more thing, have you ever met someone and at first glance you were not impressed at all. Then, once you got to know them they started to “grow” on you? Yeah. It happens with guys, too. So even if you consider yourself to be just “average” looking, just remember, it ain’t over yet. Win the guy by your personality and by who you are.

Guys want to talk about sex because that’s the first step to HAVING sex.  When you date a guy that is a “sex discusser,” watch out.  He’s on the move.  He can tell by your reaction whether he is going to "get lucky" or not.  If you are looking a little uncomfortable about sex, then he knows that he has to make you comfortable if he is going to succeed.  The more you are willing to talk about sex with him, the more information he is getting, and the faster he can get to his goal.  Guys will even say, “Oh, I don’t want to DO it, I just want to talk about it.”  Don’t you believe it.

Basically, it's because they want to look like they are better than some other guy. It’s the competition thing again. Guys will compete about anything. But what you girls have to ask yourselves is, "Why would you want a guy like that?"  Is he so insecure that he has to brag and tell lies about what he does with other girls sexually?  Would you want him to be telling other guys lies about what he did with you?  If you were married, would you want him to be telling the guys at work about what you do in the privacy of your home?  No?  Then don’t date guys like that.

Mostly guys talk about their personal parts because girls let them.  If girls would not put up with it, the guys would figure out the girls don’t want them to do that.  But girls just laugh and giggle and so guys think, “Alright, she likes it.”

But why do guys talk about their penis?  Because it’s like talking about somebody else.  It seems like it has a life of its own.  Did you know a guy can get an erection three to five times every night while he’s asleep?  That’s right.  And he isn’t even awake.  And he can’t control those erections either.  They just happen!  He can control what he DOES about them, but he can’t really control when and where it happens to him.  Same thing during the daytime.  He can be in school, and the least little thing happens or he sees some girl and the way she’s dressed, and his mind goes off in some direction, and bingo, he has an erection.  So it seems like there are really two people in his life; him and his penis, and his penis is a part of him that can drive him crazy or give him great pleasure.  He is thinking about it, feeling it, and, because he’s so aware of it, and, because he thinks it’s so fun, he just naturally assumes everybody wants to hear about it.  Well…they don’t, and you need to help him understand that it’s not appropriate to talk about it in public.  If he starts to talk like that, let him know politely that you don’t appreciate him talking about things like that and that it makes you uncomfortable.  If he keeps on doing it, just pick up your books and stuff and walk away.  Don’t get in a huff…just walk away.  If he does it again, walk away again.  Eventually he will get the hint.  If he doesn’t, you’ve got the wrong friends.  I mean that.

Let me ask you a question first.  What’s the most important sexual organ of a guy’s body?  NO!  It’s not!  It’s his brain.  You were thinking a little farther south weren’t you?  Why is Victory’s Secret so successful?  Because they have understood the concept that a guy’s imagination (his brain) is the key to a guy’s sexual fantasy.  See, it’s not what a girl is NOT wearing that’s sexy, it’s what she IS wearing that is the big turn on. When a guy looks at a girl wearing a low cut top he is imagining seeing it lower.  He is not thinking that it fits her really well or if it’s her color or not.  If you were to look at a Playboy magazine you’d see that most of the girls have at least something on.  Why?  Because that’s more sexy than being totally naked and just standing there.  Why?  Because it appeals to his imagination.

When it comes to the lesbian issue, girls get the idea that guys WANT lesbians because they like to watch them, but that’s not what’s going on.  Guys like to watch lesbians because he can imagine himself being either one of the girls he is looking at.  He could be the one on the left receiving what the other girl is giving, or he could be the one on the right receiving what the girl on the left is giving.  Or, he could have both at the same time!!!!  Woooooo!

When a guy watches two girls freak dancing, it’s the same thing.  The girls think he likes the way they look and dance, but that’s not it.  He is imagining himself giving that to the girl or getting that from the girl.  The girls are playing into the guys imagination.

How do you know when it’s the right time to have sex?  The answer is, when you are married and committed to that person for the rest of your life and have declared the same before God and the world that you mean what you said, that you are willing to be responsible for the consequences of your sexual behavior and are willing to prove that responsibility by getting a job and creating a home to raise your family in.  That’s when it’s the right time to have sex with a guy…and not a minute before. Why do I feel so strongly about this?  Here is a section from my book, Don’t Take Love Lying Down.

Kids today are having sex with each other but are less committed to one another. Guys are sexually undisciplined and seem to be out of control. Girls feel used and alone when left to deal with sexual consequences on their own. Men are learning to use deception to “get what they want,” so women are learning to never trust men. Neither are feeling loved. Both are physically and emotionally getting “beat up.” They are getting pregnant, catching diseases, and having abortions. If a girl gets pregnant and keeps her baby, she probably has no means of support, because the father has usually abandoned her. Because she finds herself too busy with the new infant, she loses her freedom. She will most likely live in poverty for the rest of her life, existing as best she can on welfare, which you, the taxpayer, will pay. Her new “husband,” Uncle Sam, takes the place of her wayward boyfriend by providing the support that HE should have provided. Since the boyfriend is no longer needed financially, he’ll never recognize his true relational value to his family. He has been made optional. Because he never marries, he lives his life externally, striving for success, sometimes at a breakneck pace, but becomes less healthy, more sexually addicted, and more uncivilized. Because of the cost of his out-of-control behavior, taxes go up even more, putting pressure on every other man to be financially successful.

When children are produced, they will most likely grow up to become troubled kids themselves, showing far more behavioral and educational problems than kids from intact families. They will tend to hang together, do drugs and drink together, and tend toward more violent behavior. They will be more sexually active, which will lead to even more girls getting pregnant. They will become like their parents. The cycle is complete.  (Don’t Take Love Lying Down pg 333)

When a woman tries to be as casual about sex as so many men seem to want to be, saying things like “You don’t have to love me, let’s just have sex,” (friends with benefits) those same guys would never turn down an opportunity like that.  They will definitely take advantage of her availability. But when that same woman wants to finally settle down with the man of her dreams and become a good wife and mother, she realizes she doesn’t know any guys she would want to settle down with, and none of the guys she knows will want her either. Why?  Because no man wants to marry “the wild woman.”  No, he wants to marry a woman he respects and trusts, not the woman with the sexual reputation.  He wants to be proud of the woman he marries.  But now it’s too late for her.  Because of her reputation, she can’t just change her mind about being wild like the guys and suddenly want to be the woman every man dreams of, because his dream is marrying a virgin who has waited…waited just for him.  Why?  Because she is the woman who will most likely not cheat on him.  Guys have a deep fear of being cheated on because of the rejection factor.  Remember, what’s a guy's biggest fear?  Rejection.

Think about the fairy tales.  There’s the young prince, handsome, rugged, self sufficient, the man who can stand up to the challenge.  He’s the hero, the man on the white horse, and he’s looking for his fair maiden.  He’s the wild one who can only be tamed by the one he seeks to rescue.  When he sees her for the first time, he is mesmerized by her beauty and charm and basically turns to putty.  He longs for her and is now willing to settle down to a life of love and happiness.  But then…of all the dastardly things…he finds out she has been with just about every guy in the realm.  He realizes his fair maiden isn’t as fair as he’d hoped.  Does he want to fight for her hand or rescue her from the evil in the land?  No.  This isn’t want he’s dreamed about all his life.  He’s been dreaming about “A FAIR MAIDEN” not the town slut.  So he leaves town to continue his search.  

Is it right for him to be having sex before marriage and not her?  NO!  But the answer is not for her to choose to become sexually active for the sake of equal rights.  No, the real answer is for both of them to be true to the one each of them will eventually marry.

I think a guy expects a girl to be kind and appreciative of the effort he has made to help her have a great time on a date.  But he has no right to expect anything physical from her, whether he has spent money on her or not.  Holding hands or giving a kiss is a sign of affection and is totally up to her whether she wants to show that affection.  If someone was to say to me, “Hey what’s the big deal.  It’s just a kiss.”  Well, if a kiss is no big deal, then why kiss at all?  But you know a kiss IS a big deal.  So big a deal that one little kiss will totally change the dynamics of the whole relationship.

People kiss, make out, and even have sex like it’s nothing and they’ll do it on the first date or even before…just ‘cause “That’s what everybody’s does.”  But I think that a girl (or a guy) should go slowly when it comes to the showing of any affection or telling someone “I love you.”  Because as soon as you do, everything changes.  There is nothing wrong with kissing, or holding hands, or saying I love you, but it needs to have meaning.  Just because everybody else is doing it is a stupid reason to do anything.

Besides, girls, you want a guy who not only has the guts to stand up for your principles and convictions, but you want a guy who also stands up for his own.  You don’t want a guy who says, “Gee, I was kinda hoping for sex but if you don’t want to then, well, I guess I’ll wait until you’re ready.”  No!  His goal is still sex!  I think most girls are looking for a guy that would say something like, “Look, I love you and want to be with you.  You are very important to me.  But I want you to know that I am a virgin now and will be until I’m married.  I won’t be asking or pushing you for anything like that.  I hope you feel the same way.  I don’t want sex to get in the way of really knowing you.”  Most girls would kill for a guy like that.  (See question #40.)

How about something like this:

Steve, (I’ll call him Steve) I wanted to talk to you about something really important to me.  Just lately I’ve been learning some things about love and relationships that have made me think long and hard about us and what we’ve been doing.  The more I’ve thought about it, the more I know I have to make some changes.  I used to think love was just a feeling, but now I know it’s much more than that.  Real love is wanting the best for the other person, regardless of feelings.  It’s also wanting the best for me.

I know we’ve been having sex, and I can tell you I’ve loved being with you.  I’ve grown close to you and feel like I really do love you.  But I also know that sex outside of marriage is not the best for you or for me.  When you get married, I would hope you and your wife could look back on our relationship and know that our being together was a good thing, not something you both regret.  Because of the things I’ve already done in my past with other guys and the guilt I’m already feeling, I’ve realized I am only  making things worse, not better, for me and for you.  That’s not right!  I would never want to hurt you or your future wife.  If I was to see you and your wife somewhere together, I would want to know I could come up and say hi and even give you a big hug, knowing there are no regrets or guilt.  If we don’t stop now, that can never happen.

Please understand, I love you, and because I love you, I can’t do this (sex, oral sex, taking clothes off, touching, etc.) any more.  And Steve, if you really love me, you would want the same for me.